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diaryofrecovery
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Name: Diary of Recovery
Birthday: 1/5/1988
Gender: Male
Interests: reading books, going for a ride on my two wheeler, going for educational meetings, learning more about foods and how they heal.
Expertise: Councelling and Flirting with a weak in heart woman, i can motivate girls online, lol yes im stupid :P
Occupation: Student
Industry: Psychology And Horticulture
Message: message me
Member Since:
3/20/2009
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| Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for a friend told me to look at 3 things - assets, liabilities, responsibilities. and what am i doing with my life. take a hard look at myself. | | |
| for a few weeks this girl, would ask me and i would let her get her boyfriend home, and they would use my room for their personal use, and i would sit in the other room on the computer or reading a book.
and then i asked them about finding me a date, and that i was single since 4 years. and then they thought about someone and in their next visit they got this girl.
and it turned out to be shes a pure vegetarian, and comes from an orthodox family upbringing and believes in arranged marriage, and kind of a puritan person.
and im the kind of person who got out of rehab, who has addiction to porn, cybersex, phonesex, masturbation. and im trying to pull myself out.
and in this process, we planned our second meeting on 24th may, monday - for a movie, it was gonna be a double date, but it didnt happen, so again everyone came to my place, nobody was at home except me.
and i played some romantic numbers and showed her some cute you tube videos, i was a little tired/sleepy so i layed next to her on the double bed and blah blah.. we spoke for 2 hours, while the girl who introduced us, she took her boyfriend to the other bedroom and closed the doors, covered the windows, turned off the lights and the works, like she always does, uses my room like its her own room. and as time spend by, i guess i like her, and i was singing some of the songs.
this girl doesnt like english music, she likes the bollywood hindi numbers, and im not such a big fan. but i played some of her tunes and some of my 80's rock numbers.
after everything got over, she kept giving me misscalls, and the other girls boyfriend was with me, both the girls left. and he was telling me, warning me about it. that girls go crazy, and they keep miscalling, calling up, texting.
and then suddenly i get two messages saying "i love you" the same message. and i was like huh, when did i make her feel i wanted to date her. but yes i did want a date, and now the whole universe has made it possible.
the only thing left to do for me is not to watch porn and destroy my self image that i have so very well maintained. i told her about my drug abuse and rehab and stuff, she did not know what a rehab was. can u believe that, 2010 and still people do not know what are rehabs. just want to tell u the kind of world i live in.
so were planning to meet on friday, all 4 of us.
but before that if we can, i would like to meet her alone in her side of town.
i am aware that she travels alot just to come here, and she came twice to meet me and now she sends I LOVE YOU, messages, and i am sure i do not have a concrete answer if i love her or i dont, nor do i have the courage to say i love you too and confirm to her that its a total yes, we are dating by saying i love you.
as the other girls boyfriend told me, if you say yes be ready to be trapped.
and he told me how girl keeps sending miscalls numerous times a day, sends alot of messages and calls up for no reason at all. coz the calling rates are so cheap and its just silly, he said that he spoke to his girlfriend till 5am and he couldnt sleep, he had one free number, no charge, every month and he could speak to his girlfriend free for as long as he likes, and sms was also cheap for some special offers were used. and its like a whole new world has opened up for me.
and i know this girl does not look like those fit, skinny porn stars, shes a villager with a orthodox mentality, and i am totally aware of what i am getting myself TRAPPED into. and yes it is a trap, i couldn't believe she would give me so many misscalls and 2 sms saying she loves me and called me more than 4 times, when i never even send a message or call her even once. it was all from her side, and we just knew that we were being set up, we flirted a bit, and now shes gotten serious, and i am not serious, im puzzled, confused and im happy too.
i just want the world to know, im gonna date someone after 4 years, and i know i can find a better girl, but i just want to take what has been brought to me in a platter, this girl who set me up with the other girl, she is someone i know for quite some time, and she trusts me 100% she comes home alone sometimes, we hang out, and then she started seeing this guy since 1 month. and then they started sleeping around in my place. so i guess i can have faith in her judgement, if she could trust me, i can trust her too.
right now im reading this ---> Ignorance and Profanity
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| i was offline for 3 months.
so after like 90 or 100 days i finally get my internet connection back.
first thing i do. search for porn and masturbate.
is that how despo i get.
well i need to look at my instincts going crazy.
i watch sadist porn.
women getting abused, and forced into submission.
and then i see my relationships.
how opposite i am in my real life.
i create an abstract illusionary world of porn and sexual desperation.
but in actuality i am not like that.
neither are any of the females i meet regularly.
do i want to change. or do i want to be the same.
i was off porn for a huge huge long time and then this.
and i know i can opt out right now, and it has to be an everyday decission.
not for today. just for today abstain. stop putting all that fake acting in my mind.
and interpreting it as real.
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| 2010 has been a great year.
in november 2009 i found SLAA (look up google to know more)
thats the point where i realised again that my porn watching and masturbation habits have gone sky high.
ive felt that way earlier i looked for help and hmm i was ok for sometime but i was a mess all over again.
this time things are different. i asked for help and i got it with respect and alot of support.
i finally feel i can cope with my past and learn to live in the present patiently and have some simple aims at the future.
i stopped phonesex a long long time ago. 4-5 months.
i stopped cybersex in decembe 2009.
and i acted out on porn and masturbation on 4th & 19th jan.
im not talking about those who do it on and off.
i am not here to judge or condemn people who indulge in those behaviors.
i am here for my own well-being.
sober from drugs 2 1/2 years.
no biggie. but am i happy with my sobriety?
do i feel great? or am i filled with guilt and shameful feelings?
can i face the world and its people?
i also uninstalled v-side. its a game like second life.
i used to play that for any amount of time
between 6 to 15 hours a day.
mostly 10+ hours since i was addicted to that game.
besides 4th and 19th i havent seen porn or masturbated.
if u see the right hand column theres a place i want to check off
so as to keep me motivated.
that i am heading in the right direction.
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| i completely love and accept myself
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